PIRATE UPDATE!!!! They’ve Reached Our Shores!!!

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Learn it. Know it. Plunder it.

I hate being the bearer of bad news, but apparently the “Pirate Issue” has escalated. According to this file photo, they’ve traded their bass boats and RPGs in for a light blue 1960 Buick LeSabre and pots of scalding coffee. Don’t let the goofy smile fool you, this brigand has a flash temper and will turn on you at the drop of a skull n’ bones hat. He has absolutely no tolerance for surly burger customers and poorly secured pool houses. If you must approach, please F***ing knock!!! Jeez…

The Evanston Everyman 4/23/09

No longer accessible

The inspector general for the TARP program announced Tuesday that more than $2 trillion of  the $3 trillion dollars handed over to the financial industry lacks proper accounting. If you use the FBI figure that 10% of all federal money given to the private market gets lost to fraud, you have $30 billion dollars. Over the first three months of the year companies like GM, AIG, Citigroup, and others spent $9.2 million to lobby the government for more funds. GM received an extra $5 billion dollars last week, and Chrysler received $500 million in temporary loans to stem the tide until their restructuring deadline. Yet The Post reported that Chrsyler Financial turned down financial aid because their executives did not want to accept mandated compensation limits. Meanwhile, the rest of us struggle to make our bills and hold up our heads. Don’t let the Man ever fool you. He’ll always get his.

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The Evanston Everyman 4/21/09

Making light of the boot is a bootable offense.

On the all-time sucky thing list, getting a parking ticket for your disabled vehicle has to rank fairly high. Not over having a bird shit on you (still hot at No. 1( and something that has happened to me personally three times, THREE- really, what are the odds of that?)), but well above stepping in dog poop (a common occurrence in dog rich-owner poor Evanston). I walked out to my car an hour ago to move it because I believed the street cleaning days were Wednesday-Thursday. Alas, no. So now I have two parking tickets and not even one working car. Maybe I should take a hint and give away the busted car? Yes, I should. It’s on the list, people. It’s a real list. On a chalkboard. Next to the front door.

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Pirates Attack US!! ARRRRRRGH You F***ing Kidding Me?

Last Friday, Captain Richard Phillips of the MV Maersk returned to his family. If you will recall, Phillips was taken captive by Somali pirates a little more than two weeks ago. A Navy SEALs’ nighttime raid rescued him Hollywood-style from his captors. While there is nothing cooler than hearing about a couple of punks getting their just desserts, I am APPALLED that this got that far.

Am I the only one who can’t believe the balls of these guys?!! The Johnny Depp movies aside, piracy is terribly out-dated. It worked in the 1600s because it preceded inventions like radar, GPS, and motorized engines. Their entire industry was based on raiding ships and then “disappearing” before anybody could track them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure it was a ‘sweet science’ in its heyday, but now it is just high-seas car-jacking. I don’t care how well local fisherman-turned-criminals know these waters, they are just kidding themselves if they think that they’re getting away with anything. The US wouldn’t even have cared had they not kidnapped an American ship captain. So…3 bullets and 3 dead morons later, the Somali Pirates are vowing “revenge” on all US ships from here on out. Ooooooohhhhh!! That sounds pretty serious!! It might take a WHOLE clip to put these ruffians down.

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The Evanston Everyman 4/20/09

Yeah, we’ve been on a lengthy hiatus here at Shambollocks!. An outbreak of paranormal experiences which would fluster the firm of Venkman, Stantz, and Spengler bombarded us since our last post. My computer breathed its last breath. A friendly neighbor took my bicycle, on which I put in a good day’s work fixing, off the back porch. Locusts swarmed over this cold, gray land by the lake. I fell into some Bootsy Collins kind of deep funk.

I left you. I apologize. I do.

I can’t promise it won’t happen again. But I will tell you that I will do my damnedest to prevent it.

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Che Chairs Douchebag Benefit, Won’t Give Back Bonus (UPDATED)

Che shirt and Western suit coat? You, my friend, have the fashion sense of a troll.

The man at the right in this photo is Gary Pasciucco,  a former vice chairman of Morgan Stanley who now runs AIG Financial Products. That division is the prodigal arm of the insurer which guaranteed the credits swap that unraveled the global economy. Gary and his cronies will now receive millions in bonuses, even though you and I now own AIG. Yes, the politicians should be outraged. Yes, these corporate douchebags should feel such shame that thoughts of suicide are not foreign. But, America, this is a smokescreen! The bonuses are just a small slice of the hundreds of billions of wasted dollars you, me, everybody spent in the mad dash to prop up Wall Street greedheads.

Don’t let the witch hunt to catch these bonus boneheads and Bernie Madoff distract you from the real scandal. The people who got us into this mess are running the show! Timothy Geithner ran the New York branch of the Federal Reserve which signed off on these poisonous assets!

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Crystal Stilts ‘Love Is A Wave’

Red- it's the color of the season.

Love Is A Wave by Crystal Stilts

The guitar is an amazing elastic instrument. The amount of color and shape you can create from guitar chords never ceases to amaze me. In ‘Love Is A Wave’, the guitar comes in as a scanner, picking its way across the rhythm. Finally, it settles into a groove with the ferocity of a Duane Eddy riff. The lead singer comes in with a great, imperial vocal. A synth haunts the background, reminding us that not everything is joy and wonder. This track is a gift to those of us deeply in love with psychedelia. Short, sweet, complete.

7″ out 3/31.

Snap Judgement- Metric’s ‘Fantasies’

Metric’s new album Fantasies comes out 4/14. You can listen to the album at MBV. You can download a track as well. I saw Metric at Double Door a couple of years ago, back when the hot lead singer was a brunette. I dug the show but lost track of them afterward. I smiled when I saw the stream. Let’s get at it. ‘Help I’m Alive’ is the free mp3. I give them credit that they progress through different sounding sections, but the whole does very little for me. They are going for a Breeders’ sound without the Breeders’ brains. Veruca Salt, anyone? ‘Sick Muse’ continues the game. Oh, wait. They’re reaching for their inner ABBA/Cardigans. And they grabbed it! Now, they’re onto something. ‘Sick Muse’ is a sick, slick pop song- nothing else you can say. ‘Satellite Mind’ rocks! So far, I really like this album. Bust of a first track, but the rest is solid. What I love about it is how it sets its own mood. Metric knows what they are- and that’s huge for band. ‘Twilight Galaxy’ doesn’t do anything. ‘Gold Guns Girls’ is what I’m talking about. If Metric wants to do a sexed-up Cardigans, I’m all in. ‘Gimme Sympathy’ sucks. This band is wildly inconsistent. ‘Collect Call’ sucks as well. I don’t want drippy tween beat, people! Give me some meat. ‘Front Row’ comes out swinging. I can’t help but be reminded of the hair-band albums of my youth. A few smokers wrapped in a brick of Velveeta cheese. ‘Blindness’ sucks. Metric gets an A- for misplaced earnestness. I dig ‘Stadium Love’. Metric needs to go big or go home. Leave the melodrama for Pink. Maybe brunettes have more fun, after all. Fantasies is a burn.

The Brett Bracket Brouhaha

Br. Rice alums are the only ones saying it, but...Bobby Frasor! Bobby Frasor!

Spring is finally here. Not only is it over 70 degrees here in fair Chicago, but we are approaching the best three weeks of the sports calendar-March Madness! Hallelujah! I know many people will be spending the man’s dime this week on picking their brackets or watching the games themselves online. Kudos to you. Many of you need some assistance, a school of thought which will keep you in the money. Well, look no further. Herewith, the philosophy behind my picks this year.

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Iphone Drives F1 Car

Yeah, I know. You’ve spent the winter in pajama pants smoking your friends in Mario Cart. What you could have been doing is figuring out how to use your iphone to drive an RC car. If you did, maybe you could have experienced this too. Very cool.