One Ring to PWN Them All
If good looks was a minute/ You know that you could've been an hour- Smokey Robinson, 'The Way You Do The Things You Do'
If it’s been awhile since I’ve posted, that I apologize, but I’ve been busy. By “busy” I mean that I’ve been very focused on urgent matters that have required my full and immediate attention. By “urgent matters” I mean that….OK. Screw it. I’ve been playing video games. OK? Happy?
Last Tuesday I went out and bought the latest game chapter in the Lord of the Rings franchise called LOTR: Conquest. As you can probably figure out, the game focuses on the fights and the battles from the highly popular films. (Apparently the designers cut the levels where you babysit Gollum, or cook rabbits, etc) The twist in this disc is that not only can you play as the bad guys, but you can team up and fight other players online. Finally, I can stop playing Armchair Aragorn and get out there to prove just how kick-ass a hero I would have been on the Middle Earth battlefield. I can answer the age old question that’s been keeping me up at nights, “How lethal would I be if I was a giant tree-person?” SWEET! Right?
OK…so here’s the problem. The game is just OK. Don’t get me wrong, graphically it’s amazing and true to the films, but it just plays sorta “meh”. There is a real redundancy to the gameplay that gets really old, really fast. What really bothers me is that I KNEW all of this before I bought it! IGN had given it an unflattering 7.0 out of 10 rating (“Decent”) in a review I had read almost a week earlier, and I still purchased it as soon as it came out. Why? BECAUSE IT HAD LORD OF THE RINGS IN THE TITLE. While I consider myself an educated consumer, there are several products out there that I would snap up in a heartbeat based on their label. LOTR is one of them, Star Wars is another. I also have a weakness for Taco Bell where I cannot pass up a Chalupa even if I just walked out of a Vegas Buffet. (Picture the “Gluttony guy” from the move Se7en)
Here’s a list of LOTR products that I would buy sight unseen:
Gandalf the White Toothpaste- “Coffee Stains Shall Not Pass!!!
Pillsbury’s Fried-Dough Baggins- “Can you protect me from yourself?”
Kellog’s Honey Bunches of Orc- “Meat’s back on the menu, boys!”
LockTiTe Gollum Safeboxes- For your “Precious”
Archie and the Riverdales meet Elrond and the Rivendells Cross-Over Comics
“Jughead!!! The ring must be destroyed!”
LOTR Home Pregnancy Test w/ Elven Blade Applicator- (When the Blade glows blue, those are the times when you must be extra careful.)
Frodo’s “shortcut” through Spring Break at Panama City finally catches up with him. 
O'Hare Arpt., IL
As a giant tree-person, I must tell you that everything is more lethal TO me. Doorways. Emergency signs. Did I mention doorways? My head already hurts.
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