We Hate Hipsters
If good looks was a minute/ You know that you could've been an hour- Smokey Robinson, 'The Way You Do The Things You Do'
Right when you thought it was safe to stride city streets, this weekend brings Lollapalooza. Yes, Austin and Brooklyn are about to barf up their hipsters all over us…again. I survived Pitchfork. I survived because there is definitely an audience breach afoot. There exists an audience which loves the music for the music, an audience which is growing as exponentially as the hipsters are. I believe music and culture will survive the hipsters mad attempt to co-opt everybody’s childhood for their own. I have hope.
But some of you may be wondering, “What is a hipster and why should I be scared?”
Adbusters provides the answer. The new issue has a well-written article titled, “Hipster: The Dead End of Western Civilization”.
Hipsterdom is the first “counterculture” to be born under the advertising industry’s microscope, leaving it open to constant manipulation but also forcing its participants to continually shift their interests and affiliations. Less a subculture, the hipster is a consumer group – using their capital to purchase empty authenticity and rebellion. But the moment a trend, band, sound, style or feeling gains too much exposure, it is suddenly looked upon with disdain. Hipsters cannot afford to maintain any cultural loyalties or affiliations for fear they will lose relevance.
Excellent! Clap, clap! Growing up, going to Metro all ages shows, was not a happy time in my life. I wouldn’t repeat a day of my adolescence for all the money in the world. When I went to the shows, I didn’t think I was cool. I was looking for something to communicate why I didn’t fit in. What I loved about the indie scene of the early to mid-90s is that there were all kinds of people invited. Everyone brought their own knowledge.
Hipsters breed out these differences. Everything about them is manufactured, because they’ve never learned appreciation. Their taste has not been developed and, stunted, it’s rotting. They are true culture zombies. If you value art, you must make sure they are ignored and remain in their ghettos. 
Banker looking for hipster
From Craigslist today:
Banker looking for hipster
Reply to: pers-718436516@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-06-13, 11:03AM EDT
Who knows if it’ll work out?
You can’t wait to tear off my pinstripe suit. If you rip any buttons I’ll totally stretch out that tshirt you bought off etsy and pass off as your own.
On Monday nights you’ll try and get me to drink. You’ll think I won’t because I have an adult job. But I won’t because I want to be lucid for this week’s episode of The Hills.
The next day you’ll tell me that my job is boring and that you hate the Upper West Side. But the truth is that you kinda like making out in central park and enjoy that my bonus can cover all the grilled cheese sandwiches you dig. I’ll make fun of whatever dirty street you live on in Brooklyn, but I know it’s a lot more fun.
You’ll pretend you can cook and make me pancakes. I’ll probably distract you while you cook and you’ll probably burn them. It’s OK; I’ve got waffles in the freezer.
I don’t have to tell you what I do or my background. I’m great on paper (school, work, charities). I’m 6′1”…handsome and jewish/irish. You be cute, wear scarves, make witty/biting remarks, and have an infectious smile/laugh.
After a while I’ll probably become a vegetarian because of you and you’ll probably start bringing up op-eds from the wall street journal when you’re hanging out with your friends. It’s cool. Don’t fight it. I promise we’ll have the sweetest combined movie/CD collection of all the couples you know.
Send a pic.
Too funny!
Faux hipsters return to their faux Brooklyns
Chicago returns to normal today after the end of Pitchfork 2007. Tens of thousands of mewling music fans came to my fair metropolis to celebrate music snobbery and the spread of rabid internet-bred pop fragmentation. I did enjoy myself at the Fest this year, as did my friend Kev (Pop Zeus). Bests-Mastodon, De La Soul. Worsts-Battles, the Cool Kids. I also have to give a shout-out to something called cevichee (sp?), a gypsy fair food consisting of lamb, pork, beef, onions, and salt all blended together and grilled on a kebab. It was served on a warm pita, and then you poured this spicy eggplant sauce on it. Fantastic! But overall I found the scene this weekend discouraging. When I was a teenager I went to fests to listen to tunes and get fucked up. The kids today (jesus, did I begin a sentence with that? I’m getting old) seem to be there to be seen and get fucked up, the music being an ancillary item. Sure, poseurs have always plagued the pop world, from hippies to punks, but hipsters (their most common label) have taken this to an art form. I do not believe that this forebodes some looming pop music apocalypse, as some old fogies have charged, but I do believe it may further erode one of the most powerful results of genius pop-its ability to bind people from different backgrounds into audiences where prejudices can be dissolved and commonalities found. At Pitchfork, I saw very many affluent young white people, but I saw too little of youth of color or lower economic status (that last sociological observation was made more difficult because there was an awful lot of rich kids vested in thrift store junk). Pitchfork did the right thing with the cheap ticket prices, but it will be interesting to see how the Festival develops over the next few years. There is a strong possibility that it may end up as a Warped Tour kind of event-a place for suburban teens to get their indie on. Again, I hope I don’t sound like Oscar the Concert Grouch. This all just could be a sign that I am getting way too old for this type of thing.
Oh, and if you were there, I was the guy with the home made ‘Hey Hipster, Nice Uniform’ shirt.
Cheers,
Mike
O'Hare Arpt., IL
