Sometimes life imitates art. Other times, life imitates video game plots. (Yes, those are the only two scenarios, so just accept it and move on) Anyone who had a Super Nintendo or Sega Genesis in the 1990’s is no doubt familiar with the Mortal Kombat franchise and its role in popular culture. The “Bloody Flagship” of violent video games, MK was essentially a trans-dimensional tournament in which the best fighters from various “realms” were selected to do battle. It featured robotic ninjas, skeleton-faced assassins, lizard people, evil centaurs, evil-er cyborg chicks, Chinese Thunder Gods in coolie hats, and even some regular fighters from Earth. One of the original “regular” fighters was a hot shot named: Johnny Cage.

Even though he was the star of such commercial hits as Ninja Mime and The Gist of My Fist, (sigh…those are actual film credits on his resume) Cage was often maligned by critics as being a mere “stuntman” who relied on wires and trick photography rather than his years of martial art study. His sole reason for participating in MK was to prove his critics wrong, which was no easy task considering that it was a SECRET tournament that 99.9% of the world had never heard of. Liu Kang was there to avenge his sensei’s murder. Sonya Blade was there to track down a dangerous criminal. Shang Tsung was there to steal souls. Rayden was there to save earth from destruction. Johnny Cage was there to get his long overdue “props.”  Makes sense…..

Flash forward to present day- actor/martial artist Jason Frank recently signed with an MMA fighting organization. What makes this story particularly interesting is that Frank is best know for playing ‘Tommy- The Green Ranger’ from the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers!!” While I don’t think that Jason Frank has the ego of a Johnny Cage, one can’t help but marvel at the pure balls this guy has to wanna step into the octagon with a bunch of guys just D-Y-I-N-G to kick his ass. Apparently he’s got the credentials (6^th Degree Blackbelt, Founder of four karate schools, Gold Medalist in 2006 Muy Thai tournament, etc), but will that be enough to take on some of these fighters? Will someone finally be able to answer the age-old question, “Can an action star hold his own in a real fight?” and its follow-up, “How many robotic ninjas and lizard people does a man have to decapitate before the world takes him seriously?”  The answer, Johnny Cage…..is blowin’ in the wind.

Fantastic!

I once hallucinated this exact movie after about 36 straight hours and three missed classes worth of Mario Kart playing. Of course, my dream ended up with DK and Daisy on the winner’s platform and DK giving Daisy his…

[rest of hallucination redacted for taste. ed.]

That was weird.

If it’s been awhile since I’ve posted, that I apologize, but I’ve been busy. By “busy” I mean that I’ve been very focused on urgent matters that have required my full and immediate attention. By “urgent matters” I mean that….OK. Screw it. I’ve been playing video games. OK? Happy?

Last Tuesday I went out and bought the latest game chapter in the Lord of the Rings franchise called LOTR: Conquest. As you can probably figure out, the game focuses on the fights and the battles from the highly popular films. (Apparently the designers cut the levels where you babysit Gollum, or cook rabbits, etc) The twist in this disc is that not only can you play as the bad guys, but you can team up and fight other players online. Finally, I can stop playing Armchair Aragorn and get out there to prove just how kick-ass a hero I would have been on the Middle Earth battlefield. I can answer the age old question that’s been keeping me up at nights, “How lethal would I be if I was a giant tree-person?” SWEET! Right?

OK…so here’s the problem. The game is just OK. Don’t get me wrong, graphically it’s amazing and true to the films, but it just plays sorta “meh”. There is a real redundancy to the gameplay that gets really old, really fast. What really bothers me is that I KNEW all of this before I bought it! IGN had given it an unflattering 7.0 out of 10 rating (“Decent”) in a review I had read almost a week earlier, and I still purchased it as soon as it came out. Why? BECAUSE IT HAD LORD OF THE RINGS IN THE TITLE. While I consider myself an educated consumer, there are several products out there that I would snap up in a heartbeat based on their label. LOTR is one of them, Star Wars is another. I also have a weakness for Taco Bell where I cannot pass up a Chalupa even if I just walked out of a Vegas Buffet. (Picture the “Gluttony guy” from the move Se7en)

Here’s a list of LOTR products that I would buy sight unseen:

Gandalf the White Toothpaste- “Coffee Stains Shall Not Pass!!!

Pillsbury’s Fried-Dough Baggins- “Can you protect me from yourself?”

Kellog’s Honey Bunches of Orc- “Meat’s back on the menu, boys!”

LockTiTe Gollum Safeboxes- For your “Precious”

Archie and the Riverdales meet Elrond and the Rivendells Cross-Over Comics
“Jughead!!! The ring must be destroyed!”

LOTR Home Pregnancy Test w/ Elven Blade Applicator- (When the Blade glows blue, those are the times when you must be extra careful.)

Frodo’s “shortcut” through Spring Break at Panama City finally catches up with him.