Learn it. Know it. Plunder it.

I hate being the bearer of bad news, but apparently the “Pirate Issue” has escalated. According to this file photo, they’ve traded their bass boats and RPGs in for a light blue 1960 Buick LeSabre and pots of scalding coffee. Don’t let the goofy smile fool you, this brigand has a flash temper and will turn on you at the drop of a skull n’ bones hat. He has absolutely no tolerance for surly burger customers and poorly secured pool houses. If you must approach, please F***ing knock!!! Jeez…

Last Friday, Captain Richard Phillips of the MV Maersk returned to his family. If you will recall, Phillips was taken captive by Somali pirates a little more than two weeks ago. A Navy SEALs’ nighttime raid rescued him Hollywood-style from his captors. While there is nothing cooler than hearing about a couple of punks getting their just desserts, I am APPALLED that this got that far.

Am I the only one who can’t believe the balls of these guys?!! The Johnny Depp movies aside, piracy is terribly out-dated. It worked in the 1600s because it preceded inventions like radar, GPS, and motorized engines. Their entire industry was based on raiding ships and then “disappearing” before anybody could track them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure it was a ‘sweet science’ in its heyday, but now it is just high-seas car-jacking. I don’t care how well local fisherman-turned-criminals know these waters, they are just kidding themselves if they think that they’re getting away with anything. The US wouldn’t even have cared had they not kidnapped an American ship captain. So…3 bullets and 3 dead morons later, the Somali Pirates are vowing “revenge” on all US ships from here on out. Ooooooohhhhh!! That sounds pretty serious!! It might take a WHOLE clip to put these ruffians down.

The following is a list of pirates that I would be more concerned about:

SOFTWARE PIRATES-

Honestly, I’m not very scared of these guys at all. If I was working at Microsoft or Apple I might have a totally different opinion, but I digress..(I’m a Communications Major…I’m probably not even qualified to work in their HR Department)

PUFFY-SHIRTED JERRY SEINFELD-

“-this is gonna be the new look for the 90’s. You’re gonna be the first pirate!”

“-BUT I DON’T WANNA BE A PIRATE!!!”

ICE PIRATES (1984)

It’s a shame this movie isn’t more popular. The plot is a little convoluted, but basically Spencer: For Hire is a hot-shot space pirate who gets forced into helping a Space Princess recover her missing father. Paired with a sassy Space Sidekick (Chewblacka?), our heroes battle robots and monsters in order to save the galaxy or something. Robert Urich passed away 7 years ago, and I STILL consider him a threat.

THE PIRATES OF SILICON VALLEY-

Noah Wyle and Anthony Michael Hall star in this 1999 TV-movie about the early friendship/rivalry of Steve Jobs and Bill Gates. Both duos intimidate me. Jobs and Gates have the money to have me killed and cover it up, Dr. Carter’s addiction to pain-killers makes him that much tougher in a fight, and Brian Johnson once brought a gun to school.  (Flare guns can cause severe burns)

ONE-EYED WILLY-

Where to begin? This guy took out Chester Copperpot 400 years after his death….and when CC was peaking!!  There are booby traps and then there are booby traps!!!  (That’s what I said….”booby traps”)

THE PITTSBURGH PIRATES

I’m really only talking about Bobby Bonilla and Andy Van Slyke. I remember those guys being absolute Cub killers back in the day. I’ll also throw in Randall Simon, since he beat that giant Italian Sausage down with a Louisville Slugger back in Milwaukee.

CAPTAIN MORGAN-

I almost flunked out of college because of this pirate…and Mario Kart 64.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW-

He’s got a very impressive list of adversaries: the East India Trading Company, Captain Barbossa, Davey Jones, The Kracken, hordes of Tortuga whores, etc. I suppose I’d probably be safe as long as I didn’t get into an overly-elaborate swordfight atop a giant spinning wheel with him, but why take that chance?

THE DREAD PIRATE ROBERTS//THE MAN IN BLACK

This guy is a viable threat.  He beat Fezzik in a contest of strength, he bested blades with Inigo Montoya, and he even defeated the mighty Vizzini in a game of wits!!!  He also survived the Fire Swamp, killed a R.O.U.S, and came back from the dead. Oh yeah, and he also has built up an immunity to Iocane Powder. If only he had a wheelbarrow…that would be SOMETHING!!

BUTT PIRATES

A vast ye matey, ye best watch yer Stern side. Lest of course, ye want a one-way ticket to the BoneYard.