My Kick-Ass Christmas Gift and Its Evil Applications
If good looks was a minute/ You know that you could've been an hour- Smokey Robinson, 'The Way You Do The Things You Do'
When you’re a child (or 30-year old child), there is nothing more crushing than having somebody black-ball an item on your Christmas wish list. I went through all the trouble of listing the gift in full, pricing it, sizing it (if applicable), and even leaving a page number from the catalog I found it in, only to have it shot down the second after I handed it in. BB Gun?… too dangerous. Skateboard?…too dangerous. Chinese Throwing Stars?…Illegal… and too dangerous. DVDs of Dangerous Minds, Dangerous Liasons, and Johnny Dangerously…too dangerous. etc. Long story short: if the package had any other warning on it other than CHOKING HAZARD, then I wasn’t going to get it.
Then…this year… something fell through the cracks.
This year, some thoughtful and careless individual deemed it appropriate to allow me to get my hands on the R2 Fish School- the most efficient goldfish training system on the market. I’m sure it seemed like the perfect gift for a fish enthusiast such as myself, but you’ve just given me a slimy, scaly, loaded gun. When I look at this video, I don’t see little fish-athletes named Minnowdinho and Guppie Abdul-Jabar (formerly Lew AlCichlid) playing fish soccer and basketball. I see two covert operatives in Phase 1 of their combat training. I’m talking about weaponized military goldfish. (WMGs)
Think about it. If they can be trained to put a ball in a hoop, why can’t they be trained to put a homing device on a boat? If they can be taught to “limbo” and “slalom” then they can be trained to infiltrate. Sure, goldfish aren’t very big, but who says you have to stop at goldfish? How about blue gills? How about marlins? The 1973 movie, Day of the Dolphin touched on this subject when they used the aquatic mammals to put magnetic limpet mines on watercraft, but I’m taking it a step further. While dolphins are hands-down the smartest creature in the ocean, they aren’t very inconspicuous. Between their constant frolicking and their need to surface, dolphins can be spotted from a nautical mile away. On the flip side, a entire school of jacks could pass under your boat without you even realizing it…until it was too late.
Before everybody freaks out and packs up their family to live in the desert, let me assure you that I have NO plans of World Domination on the horizon. While I look forward to impressing my friends with my sporty goldfish, I highly doubt that I’ll take it much farther than that. I’m not gonna lie to you. The idea of stealthy weaponized disaposable (flushable) aquatic minions may appeal to me right now…. but the beauty of ADHD is that you never really get to involved in anything before something else tickles your fancy.
Hey! It’s lunchtime! 
O'Hare Arpt., IL
